Saying It Well...

Khrystine's favorite quotes

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."— Mark Twain

Modern Muse

Modern Muse
Adriana Lima in Elle Magazine

Sunday, January 25, 2009

What's up with me???

So this has been an interesting week.
I've been accepted to two schools now, one in Olympia and one in Chicago. Yea!!!! I'm very excited but also twisty and nervous.
Part of the reason I'm nervous is that school is not going very well, largely because the bookstore has decided I don't really need my books after all. I barely passed my first anatomy test-52%-which I still think is pretty good for not reading the chapter.
Also, I really feel like I have no space. My dad bought me a space heater, which didn't really work, so I've lived outside of my room for a while now. I either don't have the time or the inclination to do anything about it.
I bought Toby some bath stuff, which is good because his face gets really dirty and stinky. It makes him smell really good but he's still really itchy everywhere else. Last night I kept waking up to him crying and trying to scratch himself. So I pick him up and try to comfort him, help him reach his tail, coax him back to sleep, etc. This happened three or four times throughout the night. So my alarm goes off at seven this morning and I decide I can sleep until seven-thirty. Besides I'm having a lovely nightmare about getting fired for breaking all the toys in the day-care, which also results in me getting excommunicated. Of course the next time I'm aware of the alarm going off, it's like 9:30, and so much for Sacrament Meeting. I end up sleeping in really late. This is what frustrates me. Apparently, of late, I have a complete lack of discipline.
I have been eating better, but for today, even if calorie wise I ate enough/not too much, it was totally horrible food. Which leads me to the thing that truly freaks me out-my skin. I have some sort of bizarre rash on my torso, so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I have an inkling it might be stress related. But I feel scared-yes scared-that no one will believe me. Believe that I've been stressed out. Because I'm happy in general, but can't I still be stressed, overwhelmed, preoccupied? It seems like anytime I ever feel anything, it must be that I'm not eating enough, I have too much sugar, etc. My mind lately is either crammed full or nearly empty. I'm having a hard time spelling, focusing my eyes, thinking clearly. I feel so tired. I feel like this at the beginning of every year. Is it twisted Spring Fever? I don't get it. I just want someone to tell me it's okay, but who would it have to be in order for me to believe it?


mudderbear said...

The Vindicated Song is highly appropriate. Maybe the doctor will vindicate your life tomorrow. I hope so. I am also holding my breath about this...can't help worrying.

You're doing good. Really, you are okay in school. Maybe it has to take a different path never know what's just down the road. Maybe you have to be here or know? You're doing good. And I know you're trying to manage a lot of things that probably seem very scattered. But hey...we got our hair cut!!!!!!!

Melanie said...

Sounds stressful! So much is going on; no wonder you are stressed!! Try to take it one moment at a time! Get a blessing! All will be well! I love you!

Jak said...

I've been talking to you in my head all day. Now that I have time to respond, it may just sound like blabber.

It is true what they say, these are the best times in your life. Try not to worry so much about making the right choice etc. I really believe that you can't make a wrong choice. It feels like your whole life is hanging in the balance, but whatever you do, wherever you go, it will be your life and it will be good.
I try to live making deliberate decisions. That way even if I feel like I should have, I shouldn't have etc, at least I know that in that moment, I made this decision for a reason so I can't really regret it.
Be thoughtful, be pro-active, and pray. Don't just pray "help me make the right choice." But really talk to Him. Tell him your hopes, your fears, the obstacles, what your parents are telling you etc etc. And then listen.
Listen to all your life tells you and you'll find your answers. Don't listen for signs, but even then, you know when something is talking to you- a song, something someone says, a feeling.
Seriously, when I was in college I was really praying about something and one day I was walking across campus and there, written on the sidewalk was my answer. I knew what it was telling me, but I was afraid that guardian angels don't go around writing on sidewalks so I probably didn't heed it as well as I could have. It would have made a great difference in my life.
Not all answers are so blatant, but you will know. It's so easy to say that to someone else. I know everything is crazy and life feels impossibly big. But you really will be okay.
I believe in destiny. Not so much as God has a grand purpose and mission for you, but He does know you and know what will make you happy and what will make you whole. Try not to be afraid. AND JUST GO FOR IT!

mudderbear said...

I'm sorry about all the comments that are made to you about food. It's just the most available answer, I guess, and what a parent has the most control over. It's a "here, eat something" response.
I imagine that I know how you feel because I feel it too. You can tell that's happening when I go around complaining and griping about everything. I think I recognize the same feelings you've described here. Hopefully we can do more about these things than just make plans. But today the dishwasher is broken and that means I have to fix it somehow or start washing ALL those dishes. Ugh. Why me??? Oh...sorry!!

On the other side, the new wallpaper here looks
REALLY GREAT...I love reading your post through the pink. Really cool choice!!!!!